Monday, August 30, 2010

Dear E-mail Pals,

I got this e-mail from one of my dear North Carolina friend whom I still keep in touch with. She is so funny and always send me hilarious e-mails. Here is one i wanted to share that cracked me up. Please let me know if you take any of the precations mentioned in the letter. I know I have! Enjoi.



Dear E-mail Pals:

I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails
over the past years. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance
of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper
towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without
worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.


I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't
know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult
movie channels.


I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can
only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.


I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking
one's nose.


Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I
can only imagine how many gallons of trans-fats I have consumed over the
years.


I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed
it on the floor of a public bathroom.


I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one
about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.


ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open
for the same reason.


I no longer have any money, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.


I no longer worry about my soul because I have 3,000
angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every
wish.


I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a
bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.


I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually
horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.


I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I
smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.


THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.


BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola
because it can remove toilet stains.


I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to
watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm
filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who
make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their
cans.


I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it
causes seven different types of cancer.


AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of
water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...
Disfiguring me for life.


I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.


I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will
drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.


I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since
they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise. And I no longer answer
the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will
get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and
Uzbekistan.


I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now
have their recipe.


THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me
instant death when it bites my butt.


AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a
coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by
a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.


I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some
companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports
South American dictators.


I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get
bitten by the wood spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people
in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your
head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will
infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will
occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door
neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
beautician.


Oh, by the way, a German scientist from Argentina ,
after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient
brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.


PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

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